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How to Talk to Aging Loved Ones About Hiring Care

One of the most common and frustrating issues family members of older loved ones face is their resistance to accepting care in the home. It is the epic battle between safety and autonomy, and every day, it plays out across America in different communities in different ways. It is often an agonizing time – one where adult children feel guilty and powerless as they watch their stubborn, vulnerable, and cognitively intact parents make choices that are fraught with danger. Their parents want to continue to assert their independence but are often in denial, choosing to accept high levels of risk rather than lose their sense of control. Here are some strategies to consider if you face a similar situation.

Start a conversation

Seek opportunities to talk with older loved ones about their core values and goals about aging. Ask open-ended questions like “Where do you see yourself in your older years?” Do you plan to stay in your home or move to a retirement community? Explain that having a plan to achieve these goals is essential in making them a reality and that you would like to help them put a plan in place. Just as one prepares for other life transitions, such as selecting a college or planning for retirement, it is also important to have a plan when physical or supervisory assistance is needed in the older years. Revisit the conversation regularly and reassess as needed.

Explore attitudes and feelings about having care in the home

Some common reasons for resistance to care are concerns about a lack of privacy, economic fears about the cost of care, losing independence, or a combination of these factors. Empathize and validate your loved one’s feelings while citing the benefits of a well-matched caregiver: more socialization, enhanced safety, a structure that can support independence, and peace of mind for families.

Start low and go slow

Offering loved ones options and some control over the hiring process can help. This may include allowing them to interview and choose the candidate or hiring a caregiver for shorter care hours than you may be comfortable with initially, with a plan to incrementally increase the hours once the caregiver relationship has been established in the home.

Make sure the caregiver match is right

Introducing a caregiver to your older loved one can often be seen as a dating game. There needs to be a certain chemistry between them to allow a bond to form and develop a mutual trusting relationship. Consideration should be given not only to care competencies and experience but also to matching personality types. Seek out reputable employment placement agencies and home care agencies that allow you to have some control over the candidate selection process.

Turn a crisis into an opportunity

If there is a fall or hospitalization, use that crisis to introduce the plan for having a caregiver in the home. Get the medical team’s and discharge planners’ support to reiterate that a safe discharge home will necessitate hiring home care. Offer the option of renegotiating this if their health significantly improves. In this way, you have a safe plan but have not taken away their hope of being more independent in the future. For more information on caregiving, speak with one of our aging life care professionals at HealthSense, who can assess your loved one’s care needs.